Every day my son tells me that I am his best buddy. He follows this spoonful of sugar with other like sentiments, such as, "You're my best friend," and "I love you," and "You're the best mom ever." In other words, every day my son restores my feelings of hope and love. It is a blessed good thing that he does, because there is a lot of shit pie being served in my personal cafe right now.
To be perfectly honest, I thought about creating an entirely new blog because of this recent run of bad luck or whatever it is. Why would I do that? Because the things happening in my life right now involve other people - people who live in this town, people who have names and reputations. Though I am so angry right now that I would love to cast some serious stones at these people, I am trying not to upset my karma at this time. You see, I have to find a new job, fast. Let's take stock of my situation and see whether I can do this without casting any stones (or throwing anything at all).
I am nearly six months into my one-year lease. Rent is due no later than 5pm today (I believe I mentioned that rule in my last post). My electric bill is payable on Sunday (which we all know means it should have been paid Friday). My cell phone - my only phone - was actually suspended when I woke up this morning. (The first loan I've had to request got it turned back on - I have to be able to get calls from prospective employers.) I emptied one checking account to fill my gas tank (gotta get the kids to school and back - in my freaking Xterra), and the other has been dangerously low since Christmas. I have been paid $200.00 for the last three weeks of work - I am owed a considerable sum. Because of this stressful situation I am not sleeping well at night, and I am fatigued all day. My stomach and associated areas have been upset to say the least. I have been an unpredictable source of tears and anger which is, I'm sure, a real delight for my children. And just to top it all off, I am so fiscally constrained that I can no longer afford to buy Breyer's Chocolate Ice Cream. Don't worry, I'll wait while you get your Kleenex.
In any case, my intent after the last post was to continue in the vein of self-analysis and discovery. I was going to catch everyone up on how I started this process, and then start blogging about how it's all working out for me - being assertive and committed to change, etc. - personal growth, you know. As it turns out, being jobless, near penniless, and staring at the threat of homelessness will cause one to speedily rearrange one's priorities. My new focus is surprisingly narrow: find a new job. All of this focus on trying to stay balanced while finding a way to provide for my children has prevented me from exploring the deeper issues of my nature, much less blogging about it, for the last week. Yes, this situation is embarrassing - I keep wondering how I let this happen - but this blog is very important to me and I don't want to put it on hold while I struggle. I want to stay committed to this endeavor. So I'm going to blog about these latest challenges until I can afford the peace of mind necessary to pursue the original theme.
I don't want anyone worrying about us - know that I have family and friends who are looking out for us financially as I try to regain my footing. Besides, this whole situation is an opportunity for me to handle a stressful situation with longed-for grace. Every day I tell myself, "This, too, shall pass." I try to keep my spirits up by taking action - applying for jobs, mostly. And I just learned that the Chinese New Year (which started on the 3rd) is the Year of the Rabbit. I am a Rabbit person, so this is my year! This is just a crash-course in true independence and my chance to prove that I can survive.
I feel confident that when the dust settles I will be wearing a tiara and hiring people to chew my food.
Collin's best buddy,
Allison
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