Get Zen: Finding Grace in the Motion of a Flailing Arm

I recently had another epiphany. I say "another" because it seems that lately I've had all sorts of "ah-ha!" moments regarding my life and myself. This one came to me as I was driving down the road after a much-dreaded appointment had finally concluded. I suddenly felt as though a ray of sunshine had burned its way through a bank of clouds to shine full upon me, and a chorus of angels began to sing directly to my heart. It was an uplifting moment, and I've been riding the joy-wave since.

As you know from my previous post, things have gotten hairy for my little family recently. I lost my job and still haven't found a replacement. In spite of numerous pleas to the universe in general, my bills keep arriving in the mail like clockwork. (Someone out there has a job that they take very seriously indeed.) My daughter and I had to go before the Truancy Review Board because she missed so many days at the beginning of the school year (for valid reasons, which I may go into at a later date.) All of this madness has occurred halfway through my first ever experience living in my own place (look, Ma! I'm independent!), and to say the very least, it has been stressful.

Ok, stressful does not quite cover it, and it's important that you understand where I have come from. My daughter, who is brilliant and beautiful and who almost never gets emotional about anything, finally went off on me one night after yet another of my anxiety attacks and told me what a hell it has been living with me. This is a person who has been with me through everything since I was 19. She's seen it all. She knows how I was, who I am, and what I've become. I respect her, I value her opinion, and as strange as it may seem to say this about your own child, I want her approval. To hear her express what a cracked up pain in the ass I had become really made me think. (It also pissed me off, but hey, I'm only human.) So I added 'being a disappointment to one of the best people I know' to the list of pressures building steam in my head, and of course, promptly had another tantrum. She was right - living with me was a nightmare, for me as well as for her. I felt like hell, bouncing continually through my range of feelings like some sort of perpetual e-motion machine. The best I could achieve at any given moment was to tell myself, "This too shall pass. Everything will be okay," and then try to believe it, which I didn't. I might have a moment where the anxiety seemed to subside a bit, I could breathe, and I could hope - and then my car would overheat or the coffee pot would refuse to work and it would push me into a downward spiral of misery.

Then, the moment. I remembered something I read many years ago that has influenced my beliefs a great deal: A book titled Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsh. It was the first in a series, and there were parts of that book that made me feel so comforted that I actually cried - just like when I read The Shack. There are many great things that I've taken away from that particular book, but my epiphany was based on this one: Humans are three-part creatures, comprised of Mind, Body, and Soul. The Soul is the part of God that resides in us - it is how God experiences Himself through us. The Soul has a purpose, a plan, a goal at any given time - what it wants to experience. Our greatest moments of strife occur when our minds do not understand our soul's intent and we fight against ourselves. Allow me to illustrate:

I am a smart person, very intelligent, very creative, very loving. But I have never had to struggle in life, not even as a single mother. I have been blessed to have wonderful parents and an amazing sister, as well as supportive friends and even co-workers who have made my life relatively easy. Because I have never had to struggle, there is a part of me that believes I can't be taken seriously as an adult. How can I say that I am a grown-up if I've never really had to deal with anything? I have always wondered, as I moved from relationship to relationship, into and out of my parents' home - could I do it on my own? Could I survive? Could I provide for my children alone? I believe that my soul is on a mission to answer that question. My soul wants to struggle, it wants to know what it feels like to dance on the edge of uncertainty, to flail wildly with pinwheeling arms on the lip of the chasm of failure. And my mind, which understands that the edge of failure is not a secure place to be, has been fighting tooth and nail to keep me from having this experience.

But my soul doesn't want to stop at experiencing the struggle, no! I have always believed that I have the ability to survive, that I can handle anything! My mother didn't raise me to fail. My father didn't raise me to shirk responsibility. And my soul isn't half-formed, it's a fully realized fragment of The All. Herein lies the grace: I see what it is that my Soul is doing now, and I have stopped fighting. I am happily accepting that this is where I am, that I am not meant to struggle forever, and I am not meant to fail. I am in the process of realizing my full potential, I am in the process of fully experiencing Who I Am. I will explore this period of uncertainty and discomfort with curiosity and joy, take from it the pain and the fear that I am meant to comprehend finally, and bask in the sure knowledge that I will survive - that I will thrive. I will dance upon the waves with a joyful heart, because this is exactly where I am meant to be.

I also understand that there is a gift in this turbulent period: I have time to write. It is my lifelong dream to write a novel, and so I shall. After years of doubting myself, of thinking I had nothing to say that anyone would be interested in reading, I now know that the story is within me. I look forward to the journey and the process of giving the world something lovely and fulfilling to read someday. I hope that anyone who is struggling  right now can find a space to ask themselves, out loud as they drive down the highway, "Am I choosing misery? Is my soul choosing to experience this?" If your soul wants it, then so be it! Don't fight - relax, be calm, and know that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

Love and Regards,
Allison

Motherhood: Great Benefits, No Lay-Offs

Every day my son tells me that I am his best buddy. He follows this spoonful of sugar with other like sentiments, such as, "You're my best friend," and "I love you," and "You're the best mom ever." In other words, every day my son restores my feelings of hope and love. It is a blessed good thing that he does, because there is a lot of shit pie being served in my personal cafe right now.

To be perfectly honest, I thought about creating an entirely new blog because of this recent run of bad luck or whatever it is. Why would I do that? Because the things happening in my life right now involve other people - people who live in this town, people who have names and reputations. Though I am so angry right now that I would love to cast some serious stones at these people, I am trying not to upset my karma at this time. You see, I have to find a new job, fast. Let's take stock of my situation and see whether I can do this without casting any stones (or throwing anything at all).

I am nearly six months into my one-year lease. Rent is due no later than 5pm today (I believe I mentioned that rule in my last post). My electric bill is payable on Sunday (which we all know means it should have been paid Friday). My cell phone - my only phone - was actually suspended when I woke up this morning. (The first loan I've had to request got it turned back on - I have to be able to get calls from prospective employers.) I emptied one checking account to fill my gas tank (gotta get the kids to school and back - in my freaking Xterra), and the other has been dangerously low since Christmas. I have been paid $200.00 for the last three weeks of work - I am owed a considerable sum. Because of this stressful situation I am not sleeping well at night, and I am fatigued all day. My stomach and associated areas have been upset to say the least. I have been an unpredictable source of tears and anger which is, I'm sure, a real delight for my children. And just to top it all off, I am so fiscally constrained that I can no longer afford to buy Breyer's Chocolate Ice Cream. Don't worry, I'll wait while you get your Kleenex.

In any case, my intent after the last post was to continue in the vein of self-analysis and discovery. I was going to catch everyone up on how I started this process, and then start blogging about how it's all working out for me - being assertive and committed to change, etc. - personal growth, you know. As it turns out, being jobless, near penniless, and staring at the threat of homelessness will cause one to speedily rearrange one's priorities. My new focus is surprisingly narrow: find a new job. All of this focus on trying to stay balanced while finding a way to provide for my children has prevented me from exploring the deeper issues of my nature, much less blogging about it, for the last week. Yes, this situation is embarrassing - I keep wondering how I let this happen - but this blog is very important to me and I don't want to put it on hold while I struggle. I want to stay committed to this endeavor. So I'm going to blog about these latest challenges until I can afford the peace of mind necessary to pursue the original theme.

I don't want anyone worrying about us - know that I have family and friends who are looking out for us financially as I try to regain my footing. Besides, this whole situation is an opportunity for me to handle a stressful situation with longed-for grace. Every day I tell myself, "This, too, shall pass." I try to keep my spirits up by taking action - applying for jobs, mostly. And I just learned that the Chinese New Year (which started on the 3rd) is the Year of the Rabbit. I am a Rabbit person, so this is my year! This is just a crash-course in true independence and my chance to prove that I can survive.

I feel confident that when the dust settles I will be wearing a tiara and hiring people to chew my food.

Collin's best buddy,

Allison